No sex on the brain

By CHICO & DELAMAR

March 2, 2011, 11:21am

MANILA, Philippines

DEAR CHICO AND DELAMAR...

I'll be graduating from high school in less than a month, and while I've done a lot during my four years -- been part of the honor roll, part of the student council and the student paper -- one thing I didn't do is go out and date.

When I started getting into different clubs and other extracurricular activities when I was a sophomore, I thought that there would still be plenty of time for a relationship later on. But I never seem to have found the time, and now I feel like I wasted an opportunity.

I don't see myself getting into a relationship anytime soon either, as I don't have any interest in having sex. I just don't feel like sharing myself in that intimate a way with another person just yet. But I'm aware that it's an expected part of adult relationships. And from the way my gay friends talk about it, sometimes even a necessity.

As a young gay man going to college next year, is there any chance for me to find a guy who doesn't have sex on the brain? From the way my gay friends talk about it, sex is expected at the end of a date, so does that mean I can't even go on casual ones since I really don't think I can have sex just yet? Should I just become a monk? — Sebastian

CHICO SAYS… You're not even out of high school yet and already you're talking like a jaded 40-year-old virgin who's considering sexless monkhood as some sort of bitter protest for the lack of earthly desires. I suspect you're probably not even legal to have sex yet, so you hardly should have any crises regarding sex, or the lack thereof.

But even for the sake of argument that you are of age to engage in sex, your concerns are mostly unfounded. The need for sex is a basic instinct, like hunger. That said, if you're not hungry, don't eat. If you're not sleepy, don't sleep. So if you don't find any urge to engage in sex in any of its myriad incarnations, then simply don't.

There is no such rule that states that you HAVE to have sex, as there isn't one that insists that you shouldn't. Is it possible for you to find someone who doesn't have sex on the brain? Absolutely. And in case all you find are hormonally-raging horny toads humping your leg, then all you have to do is look further. You don't have to do anything you don't want to.

Will it make finding a partner trickier? Yes. But is it impossible? No. Does it put you in the minority? Yes. Does it make you wrong? No. Trust me, if you'll eventually want to have sex, it will be an insistent urge that will be hard to deny even if you wanted to. But until then, don't sweat the activities that you don't want to engage in, no matter how many other people say otherwise. It doesn't make you better, it doesn't make you worse. It just makes you who you are.

For now, try not to rush things. You have the rest of your life to discover sex, to revel and bathe in it, and in some cases, even to eventually tire of it. So don't force your bud to bloom out of season because you'll "open up" when you're good and ready, in your own good time.

DELAMAR SAYS… Here’s something you need to remember when it comes to your life decisions --- FORGET ABOUT TEMPLATES OR HOW OTHER PEO¬PLE HAVE DONE THINGS BEFORE YOU, YOU GET TO DO WHAT MAKES SENSE TO YOU.

Date the way you want to date. You don’t have to always sleep with the people you go out with. If that is not something you want to do then just be upfront about it with whoever wants to go out on a date with you or whoever you want to date. Right? The truth is, there are as many ways date as there are as many people there are out there.

We all go out with other people with different objectives or intentions. Some go on dates to pass the time, some go out on dates specifically to get physical, some go out on dates to just spend time with other people, some date to find the one they want to spend the rest of their lives with, some date just to enjoy someone’s company, etc. Whatever your reason is to go out on a date that is good enough. The only trouble is finding someone who is looking for the same thing as you. So best be upfront and honest about what you want or what you expect out of it with whoever you want to go out with.

Forget about what other people are doing on their dates. Forget about what other’s expectations are. Just date for the reasons you want to date. You will find people who will be okay with that and you can date them again. But there are people who won’t like those so just don’t go out with them.

Your decision not to sleep with people because you’re not ready won’t make you the most popular guy in town, let me tell you that. However, knowing that you don’t want to get intimate just yet is good. You know what you want and what you don’t want. All you have to do now is to stick to your guns. Maybe how you feel will change soon, maybe it won’t. Right now though, it’s good that you can go into dating knowing your expectations so it will be clear to whoever wants to date you what to expect from you.

(Chico and Delle welcome your let¬ters. Write to: youth@mb.com.ph or fax through 527-7511. Listen to the Dynamic Duo Monday to Saturday, 6 a.m. to 9 a.m. over Monster Radio RX 93.1)