Does tiger parenting work?

By Cecile J. Baltasar

February 19, 2011, 3:04am

Illustration by EUGENE CUBILLO

 MANILA, Philippines – She wrote what?!

Creeping into parenting blogs and dinner conversations is Yale Law professor Amy Chua and her recently released  memoir, “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother.” Chua, who grew up in the US, is the daughter of Chinese immigrants, and the subject of several e-mailed death threats because of her book which unapologetically talks about her relentless “Chinese” parenting style.

At one point, Chua enumerates the beliefs  that, in her opinion, make Chinese mothers better than the rest, specifically, Western parents: Chinese mothers never praise their kids in public, never let their kids do something in which they can’t win a gold medal, never let their kids get a grade lower than A in school, and always put schoolwork before everything else. Chinese mothers, Chua asserts, don’t let their children pick their own extra-curricular activites; and, among musical instruments, only the piano and violin are to be played and mastered. (Chua’s older daughter did master the piano and has played in Carnegie Hall.)

It is easy to see why the book has gripped parents the world over – not many have been raised in such a household as Chua’s and so do not completely understand where she is coming from, or the reasons behind Chua’s cold – but, shall we say, driven – parenting style. To better get it, Moms & Babies talked to two mothers who subscribe to two hugely different parenting philosophies.

“Give them wings”

Lisa Gubido, a stay-at-home mother to Lucas, 2, Maya, 7, and Romano, 8, is, in her words, “a laid-back mom.” The only rules her kids have to follow at home are to do their homework and chores before watching TV and to  eat meals at the table with the rest of the family. The Gubidos have no househelp and so everyone pitches in with the housework.

“My husband and I believe that our kids were given to us so that we could raise them correctly, kindly, and, when they’re ready, set them out into the world,” says Gubido. “We’re here to give our kids wings. And we think we can’t do that if we focus on so many rules.” Rewards for chores well done are hugs and heaps of praise.

Gubido says she and her husband haven’t had trouble with the way they’re raising their kids. Both Gubido and her husband had equally liberal parents and so they see no cause to worry about their mostly rules-free household. Their two older kids, Romano and Maya, are honor students in their respective private schools; a fact which, Gubido asserts, is due to her kids’ self-monitoring. “Because I don’t pressure them into making honors, my kids have learned  to discipline themselves and set their own goals,” says Gubido.

“It’s the mother’s job to ensure a good future for her kids”

On the other hand, Karen Tungkol, an executive at a multinational company, believes it is the parents’ – especially the mother’s – duty to mold their kids into successful people. Tungkol has a 12-year-old daughter, Bea, who is president of the student council, a ballet dancer, and, based on her grades so far, will graduate valedicatorian of her class in March.

“I give Bea goals to work on and she has to achieve those goals within the time-frame I set for her,” says Tungkol. There is structure and nothing but in the Tungkol household as far as Bea is concerned, working on a schedule her mother has mapped out for her. The schedule consists of ballet before school, homework and study time after classes, and more ballet after schoolwork. The focus has, undoubtedly, driven Bea to be where she is now in school and in ballet.

Her mother wants to strike some sort of balance, however. “My daughter is a confident girl because my husband and I show and give her love and praise,” says Tungkol. “We never criticize her in public. I think Amy Chua goes too far with her disciplinary tactics. My husband and I believe that to raise Bea to be successful , we have to raise her to be confident, too. And I think Amy Chua’s style doesn’t raise confident kids.”

Love balanced with discipline

When her younger daughter Lulu couldn’t master a complicated piano piece, Amy Chua told Lulu her dollhouse would be donated to the Salvation Army piece by piece unless Lulu sat down and kept playing until she mastered the composition. Chua bemoans the fact that she “spends half her salary on stupid sticker and eraser party favors.” And when her daughter gave her a homemade card with a smiley face on the cover, Chua gave the card back to the kid, saying it wasn’t good enough.

Chua’s memoir does border on abusive parenthood, and there’s no doubt that her parenting style would leave lifelong scars on her daughters. But in the end, she is only one mother. And she is not making sanctions against anyone who won’t subscribe to her philosophy. Many other mothers, such as  Lisa Gubido and Karen Tungkol, know better than to inflict emotional abuse on their children. Sure, their beliefs in parenting may differ vastly; but in the end, the bottom line in effective parenting becomes clear: to raise happy, confident, and successful children, they have to be showered with love and guided with self-discipline. All Amy Chua managed to raise seems to be a Number 6 spot on the NewYork Times bestseller list and legions of offended parents.

Source: Manila Bulletin