Or 50 reasons to stop hating and start traveling
If you hate them, you need to join them.
With their worldly sophistication, cheap fisherman pants and penchant for being smiley all the time, tourists are a much-hated group.
But before you laugh too hard at the lost look in their eyes, or mock too much the clattering chaos of their attempts to board the roof of a minibus with five bags and three cameras swinging from their torsos, understand this: they don’t care.
They’re having the time of their life. And we all know why. Being a tourist is awesome.
Let us know why being a tourist works for you. Comment below.
Color clash -- the uniform of tourists everywhere.1: You get to go on and on and on about how amazing India/Paraguay/France is without actually having to live there.
2: You can eat like a feudal lord every night, and still lose weight from all the walking.
3: Whether you’re terrifying yourself on local transport or basting yourself in the sun next to a bag of beer, it beats what your friends are doing back home.
4: Freedom from the tyranny of socks.
5: The guilt attached to not utilizing your gym subscription is way less severe than it is back home.
6: You can ensure you return home looking svelte and lean by seeking out the town’s dirtiest street vendor on the penultimate night of the trip.
7: Visiting a foreign country is way more stimulating than staying at home all year. And if you don’t like it, you can at least sound exotic when you moan about it.
8: Cold beers on the beach/in a hammock/in bed/in a bar/on a road trip in the middle of the afternoon? Don’t mind if I do.
9: Breakfast buffets. Fresh fruit and muesli then hash browns and sausages then perhaps some blue cheese and ham. It doesn't make sense, but so what? You’re on holiday.
10: If you don’t like someone, you never have to speak to him/her again -- unlike the person who sits next to you at work.
Next stop Pisa, to "lean" against the tower.11: Bringing home a tan and worldly knowledge is like dousing yourself in pheromones. Just be sure to cover up with mosquito spray, to avoid unsightly welts.
12: No matter how linguistically challenged you are, the words “beer,” “toilet” and “hotel” work nearly everywhere.
13: Getting drunk excused under the guise of “testing the merits of local brews over homogenous imports.”
14: It’s easy, in fact it’s imperative, to flick the off switch on the depressing news and awful TV shows that otherwise fill your life.
15: If you’ve got any sense, your destination of choice will be significantly cheaper than your own country.
16: If you look as if you’re going to spend some money, even locals who don’t like tourists will pretend they do.
17: You can finally finish that book you’ve been falling asleep with every night for the last three months.
18: You can bolster your social networking cred by Facebook-friending lots of exotic foreigners.
19: The weather. Even the rain seems somehow exotic when abroad.
20: The buzz you get walking around a new place knowing you're not at work is one of life’s greatest highs.
Postcard home: "How's work? Wish you were here. Snigger."21: You can get a foot massage every day without anyone thinking you’re a fetishist.
22: You can finally wear those expensive sunglasses without fear of looking like a poser.
23: In fact, you can wear anything. Baggy Thai pants with a singlet? Go on, no one will bat an eyelid.
24: You can indulge passive-aggressive tendencies by posting lots of pictures on Facebook of yourself paragliding or surrounded by Hawaiian dancers or [insert jealousy-inducing image here].
25: You learn about the country you're visiting through experience, rather than National Geographic.
26: Stories about eating still-beating snake hearts and downing tequila straight from the bottle are pretty rock ‘n’ roll.
27: You finally get to use those foreign phrases you learned in junior school, like “Voulez vous couchez avec moi, s’il vous plaît?”
28: There’s a good chance you’ll be allowed to smoke cigarettes indoors.
29: Happy hour is actually worthwhile -- half-price drinks starting just before sunset and extending for at least two hours.
30: An afternoon siesta is not just acceptable, it's a necessity.
How many tourists does it take to take a photo?31: You get to try local specialities previously only seen on TV: balut (Philippines), fried monkey toes (Indonesia), tete de veau (calf’s head, France) and roasted ants (Columbia).
32. Those childish antics people get up to in pictures -- fingertips on the top of the Eiffel Tower, posing with fake gladiators at the Coliseum -- yep, you get to do them too now. Cool.
33: The lack of decent television channels in your mother tongue means you’ll have no choice but to go out and enjoy life.
34: Taking part in a drunken karaoke session becomes an appealing prospect.
35: The nearest you get to cooking is pointing at the fish you want grilled for your dinner.
36: You can slob out safe in the knowledge that someone else is getting paid to make everything spotless for you again the next day.
37: The local eye candy is exotic and different.
38: You get to mingle with a range of nationalities. Then escape them the next day.
39: Your sense of appreciation for your surroundings returns.
40: You get to buy silly hats, small plastic mementos and other ridiculous trinkets without guilt, because they were designed specifically for you.
Planes, trains and inner tubes: life of a true traveler.41: With minimal effort -- such as sending a postcard -- you make your friends and relatives think you really care.
42: You can feign incomprehension when a suspicious taxi driver tries to convince you that a 10-minute journey really does cost US$75.
43: Those 1980s iPod playlists you compiled especially for the trip go down particularly well with others.
44: You get to mock other tourists who say things like, “By discovering the world, I am actually discovering myself.”
45: If you travel long enough, you get to say things like, “By discovering the world, I am actually discovering myself.”
46: Write something nice about a bar on TripAdvisor on your first night and you might never have to buy a drink for the rest of your stay.
47: Tanned fat looks better than pale fat.
48: You get to wantonly fritter away money with the sudden knowledge that experiences are so much more valuable than things.
49: Whether it’s sniffing out a great sunset spot or a backstreet bar or restaurant, there are always new discoveries on the horizon.
50: You can finally jettison your mobile phone and laptop without stress. Phileas Fogg wasn’t online for hours at a stretch every day and neither should you be.
When in Cebu City, Philippines please visit gregmelep.com for your real estate and retirement needs.
When in Cebu City, Philippines please visit gregmelep.com for your real estate and retirement needs.
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